You know sometimes when you are dating, you encounter individuals that just make you wonder whether or not you have the 'loser' magnet hidden somewhere on your body. Lord knows I have searched for it repeatedly. A few times I have managed to pass by the invisible ray that demagnetizes me only to have one get reinitialized. The 'Loser' comes in all shapes, forms and sexes, of course, but my perspective is as a female.

For years women have been labeled drama queens. Some of us even use the terms on each other jokingly. You know the women we are talking about, everything is about them. If the guy they just went out with for the first time Saturday night doesn't call her every day it's drama. If the man decides to have a night out with the boys, she is texting or calling him constantly. However, drama is an equal opportunity offender. If you have not had the unfortunate circumstance of meeting a Drama King let me provide you some insight.

Having met a fair share of these individuals over the years I have plenty of stories. But I have a fresher perspective these days. A friend of mine, we'll call her 'Kelly', who recently re-entered the dating scene apparently re-entered it through a portal covered in loser magnets. Let's talk about the guy who thought her world revolved around him. We'll call him Charlie. They met on an internet dating website. They had gone out a few times and by all accounts it seemed to be going well. They talked every day. (Note: Girls..when you just meet a guy, don't establish the precedent of talking for hours every single day. It's not high school. You have a life. He needs to earn full access to it.) Anyway, Kelly and Charlie were having a good time and had actually gone OUT on a few dates. She had good feelings and thought things were moving in the right direction. Then Charlie decides, out of the blue, that he isn't prepared to date right now. He needs to focus on eating healthy. WHAT? Talk about inability to multi-task. What the heck is that about? How does eating healthy impair your ability to catch a movie? While she was completely confused by this statement her world was not crumbling, she didn't contemplate the end of life because a guy she went out with a few times decides he's incapable of dating right now. Kelly was fine with it and was moving on. However, Charlie thought that he could still text (don't get me started, still call. Somewhat stunned that he hadn't gotten more of a sorrowful reaction from her, he kept asking if she was upset, angry. He said 'he didn't mean to hurt her'. He asked if they could be friends and was stunned when she said she didn't really see the point.

Oh my gosh, could someone please give this guy a reality check. I'm not sure whether he is arrogant, stupid, clueless, inexperienced or all of the above. I, opting for E, all of the above.

Charlie didn't set off the magnet as much as 'Larry' did. 'Larry' was the most recent encounter. They had one date on Saturday night. He called on Sunday asking if she expected him to call. What? Then proceeds to say, I should have told you that I play basketball on Monday and Wednesday evenings so I am unavailable. So, I won't call on those nights but I will call on Tuesday night. 'GREAT...I ALWAYS SPEND MY EVENINGS WAITING BY THE PHONE AND LOOK FORWARD TO HANGING ON YOUR EVERY WORD. Please!!! Insecure? Let's go over some really, really basic rules that apply to both sexes.

1. Game - Do not establish a pattern of talking for hours on end everyday. There is a 20 minute time limit unless someone has died and one of you needs consoling. Anything more than that, one of you better be asking the other out on a date. PHONE DATES do NOT count!!!

2. Set - Do not post an AD on an internet website indicating you are looking for a long-term relationship or dating, if you not. If you just want a buddy to pal around with, then post for that. If you want a long-term relationship but feel the person you met doesn't have that potential, don't come up with lame excuses about how you thought you were ready but aren't. Be a grown up! You don't have to be unkind but for goodness sakes be honest. Just say..."It was really nice meeting you but I'm just not feeling the chemistry I would like. I wish you every happiness." Trust me the world will not end!

3. Match - For those of you on the receiving end of that statement, you cannot be ticked off. You should appreciate that someone has enough respect for you as a human being to be honest. We date to find the right person, not to make the wrong person fit. No harm, no foul. You should be gracious and move on. Respect someone who is mature enough to be honest rather than play games or just ignore your phone calls. Besides, why would you want to fight to be with someone who doesn't want to be with you?

And finally, don't establish that you are in an exclusive relationship on the first date..for that matter..don't commit to it in the first month. Do not answer the phone if you are with friends or busy doing something. You can call them back. Go on living your life and if the relationship grows, they will grow to become an integral part of it!

Until Next Time...Don't let your reality check bounce!

Happy National Unmarried & Singles Week! I'm not being sarcastic. There is even a week for this. It began in the 1980s by the Buckeyes Single Council in Ohio. There are an estimated 82 million single and unmarried adults in the United States. So, if there are so many of us, why on earth do we sometimes feel so alone?

In 2002, the US Census Bureau reported there were 904 dating services throughout the United States versus just 321, 5 years earlier. These included internet dating services. By 2002, the industry was generating $489 million a year. That is nearly $6 million for every single and unmarried adult in the US.

Our longing to be part of a "couple" has created an industry which is growing at a staggering rate. We spend hard earned money and valuable time to find "the one". When in reality, we don't find love. Love finds us. We've all heard it but somehow justify our participation in growing this industry by saying we have such limited time this day in age.

Perhaps our lack of a healthy, loving relationship isn't because we have limited time, social opportunities or geographic restrictions but because our focus isn't in the right place. I firmly believe that you have to establish yourself as an individual and truly know who you are before you can be part of a couple.

When you are single at this stage of your life, there are so many more aspects to you then there were when you were in your 20s. In our 20s, we were just single. Now, we are single parents, full-time workers, students, care givers, the list goes on and on. We've become so engrossed in meeting the demands and expectations of all of those 'lives' that we forget who we are as individuals. No titles..no moms...no dads...no executives..just 'Mary'...just 'David'.

Do you really know who you are? When getting to know someone, I've been asked, so what are your hobbies? I've struggled to answer that more times than I would care to count. I thought, my gosh, do I have any? When would I fit them in? Is spending time with my child a hobby? Work is definitely NOT a hobby. All of the sudden, I felt pathetic and was angry at myself for forgetting to nurture me along the way.

Instead of focusing on what we don't have; the husband, wife, relationship we want, focus on what we do have. Focus on nurturing ourselves. Look in the mirror and get real with yourself. Look at the positive and negative things. I'm not talking about the outside. Dig deep, look within yourself. What are the best qualities you bring to a relationship? What interest (aka hobbies, FUN) would you like to be able to share with your partner? Know what you bring to the table and nurture those qualities. Recognize the things that have been an issue in previous relationship and take ownership. It isn't until you accept those flaws that you can truly work to improve them.

While you continue to reintroduce yourself and truly get to know the INDIVIDUAL in the mirror, celebrate who you! Recognize that we don't need to be with someone to complete who we are or meet society's expectations. When you learn to be secure in your single status, you will have much more to offer a prospective partner. You will be self-assured, comfortable with who you are and real with the person you meet. You'll know exactly who you are and will be comfortable sharing that with someone rather than feeling insecure, even subconsciously. You should WANT to be in a relationship, not NEED to be in a relationship!

Until Next Time....Celebrate!

What do most people say is the most important thing to sustaining a relationship? Communication...okay communication and great sex..but let's just talk about communication. I'm not talking about how arguing can be healthy for a relationship or how to express your feelings to your partner without fear. I will leave that to the therapists. I'm talking emailing, texting, IMing.

In my office there are a few single women. Recently, one was talking about the guy she had been seeing for the last few weeks. Initially, it was great! You know, that new relationship high. You overlook things that are actually tell tale signs of your relationship's future. You are caught up in the chemistry, the excitement of something new. No one can blame you! We've all done it. But, when she began to articulate the events of her weekend she actually realized something, there were yellow caution signs everywhere!

However, here are a few clues there may be some speed bumps and pot holes on your road to happiness with this individual. Some will be talked about and resolved easily. Others will result in sink holes, which without friends giving you a reality check, could suck you in.

If you are in a relationship and you email more than you talk, give it some thought. Email and IMs are great to catch up with friends and fill them in on the great person you just met. They are not and should not be your primary form of communication with someone with whom you are trying to form a relationship!

Texting...ahh technology. You see kids everywhere texting constantly. The feverish movement of the fingers. The massive amount of abbreviations used to converse. They have a language all their own. According to the CTIA, 18.6 billion text message are sent every month! It also might surprise you to learn the median age of a texter is not 18, 19, 20..it is 38. A great guy I once dated provided me some valuable advice. If you text back and forth more than twice, you are having a conversation. Stop, dial and talk!

Email, IMs and Texting are dangerous ways for human beings to communicate on a regular basis. We are social creatures and rely a great deal on visual or audible signals. Words on a screen can't convey someone's tone. How many times has what you typed been misconstrued by the person receiving it? Don't hide behind technology. You have a voice...use it!

Until next time...Speak Up!!

I decided to start this blog, in part, as a catharsis of sorts. A little background to start. I am single, I hate the term divorced. Why are their single people and divorced people? Isn't it a bit of a scarlet letter? More on that at a later date. I've been single and dating for the 8 years.

When I evolved into my single status 8 years ago, I quite honestly didn't expect it to last this long. However, what I found out is the rules and expectations have changed considerably since my early 20s. It's not just that the rules have changed in the last 20 years, it is that they continue to change almost day by day.

When single in my 20s, the internet didn't exist, personal ads in the newspaper were for those who were not faint of heart since their were no visual references. Most of my friends were still single and therefore there was a large social network from which you could meet new people.

Now in my 40s, having moved 4 years ago to the Pacific Northwest and a small circle of close, married friends, the challenges are completely new. The internet dating thing seems to be the norm rather than the exception it was 10 years ago, even 5 years ago. With that comes it's own issues. Texting and email have replaced the phone call or the cup of coffee. The computer provides individuals an ability to shield themselves from social interaction, chemistry and body language signs that are present when sitting face-to-face. Therefore, men and women alike can present themselves in the best possible light...literally. Honestly...who wouldn't want to put their best foot forward?

While I have tried the internet dating thing off and on for the last 8 years, I obviously haven't had a tremendous amount of success as I am still single. Nontheless, I have decided to share some of my experiences and observations in hope that somewhere, somehow, sometime I save another fish in the dating pool from drowning in the deep end.

Basic Definitions - Male

Taller than Average; this means they think the average height of a man is 5'6". Note: deduct 2" from any height a man gives..it is usually closer to reality.

Football Build; okay I am big football fan, even have the NFL Sunday ticket. However, you don't have to be a football fan to know there is a difference between a center or lineback to a wide receiver. If it matters to you...you might want to verify this one.

Environmentally friendly; In the Pacific Northwest that may be a true statement but in most other places, that means I lost my license and will rely on you to drive everywhere.

Recently Divorced and Ready for a Long-Term Relationship; Those phrases joined together may be the most utilized oxymoron statement in internet dating. If you are recently divorced (anything less than one year) you are NOT ready for a relationship, much less dating. If you meet Mr. Recently Divorced...RUN RUN as fast as you can.

Now, I am a woman so I have not searched the personal ads of women but I am quite certain there are a number of "definitions" to be shared there as well.

Until next time...read between the lines!